Israel and Jordan Trip

Return of Darth Maul

 I have been thinking through an alternate version of Star Wars 3 where Anakin turns to the dark side.

My version:

0.1% of the Jedi can read minds, but it is highly illegal to read minds without a court order.  Anakin can’t resist.  He just has to know where Padmé got her Sith light saber.  She doesn’t know who Darth Sidious is, so Anakin doesn’t get any useful information.  She  bought it from homeless legless street vendor named Ogo.  They have a fight about the mind reading and Ogo offers to teach her a few mind tricks so she can protect herself.  Thus begins her Sith training without her knowing that she’s Sith.  Ogo is Darth Maul.

On the one hand, Darth Sidious wants to promote Padmé to Sith lord even though she refuses to be evil.  On the other hand, he wants the Jedi to kill her, because that would generate bad publicity for the Jedi.  In Prequel 2, Anakin loses his temper and kills a bunch of people.  In this movie, a false witness shows up and blames Padmé.  Anakin is in a difficult position.  He knows that Padmé is innocent.  If he walks into Jedi headquarters and says that he murdered 25 people, that won’t sit well with the Jedi.  He has to flounder around for a solution.

Anakin and Padmé combine Jedi and Sith mind techniques to produce a new mind trick that has never been done before.  They figure out how to send false images to a mind reader.  Padmé also learns a couple secret Jedi locations.  With daily mind reading sessions, Anakin is receiving Sith training indirectly.

Padmé schedules a mind reading session with Jedi judges and projects and image of Yoda killing those people.  Anakin isn’t happy about it, but their stories have to match, so he projects the same false image.  Yoda gets arrested.  Obi-Won is sent to investigate the old fashioned way — Interview witnesses and dust for finger prints.  Darth Sidious tells Padmé that he already knows how to do that mind trick and he wants to see how good she is.  She accidentally teaches him that trick.

Palpatine projects the final false image — The location of Darth Sidious and his secret army.  It’s a trap.  A few well placed nukes take out the Jedi.  Yoda survives, because he’s in jail.  Obi-Wan finds evidence to exonerate him.

Fight Scene 1:

Darth Maul lives in a dangerous neighborhood.  Padmé is attacked by 4 local thugs.  She grabs a spear from a street vendor and fights them.  Darth Maul comes to her defense.  His two weapons are light saber and blow dart.  He can operate the blow dart hands free.  He puts a small tube in his mouth where it can’t be seen.  When he wants, it telescopes out he blows.  She is grateful and he sells her a sith light saber.

Fight Scene 2:

Anakin wears a mask and attacks Darth Maul.  Initially, they are in a private place.  Maul’s light saber is knocked away so now he is unarmed.  Maul falls out a window into a public place.  Anakin follows.  Padmé comes to Maul’s defense, but she loses her light saber within 5 seconds.  Anakin knocks her down.  She screams “There are eye witnesses here.”  Anakin looks around and sees a TV reporter staring at him.  Two Jedi are running towards him with light sabers drawn.  Anakin puts his light saber away.  Two Jedi escort Anakin away.  A reporter runs up.  Darth Maul starts crying and talking about how bad the Jedi are.  Maul says “I didn’t do anything.  I don’t know why he attacked me.  He tried to kill me.  I didn’t do anything.”

When they get back to Jedi headquarters, the Jedi attitude is “What’s the point of killing two crappy Sith.  Let’s put them under surveillance and try to find out who Darth Sidious is.”

Fight Scene 3:

Ludmilla is woman who is the same species as Darth Maul.  They are in a bar and spot Obi-Wan.

                Maul: That’s the Jedi who chopped my legs off.

                Ludmilla: Maybe I’ll get to know him better.  Do you want to see a magic trick?

                Maul: Sure.

Ludmilla opens her hand to reveal a condom.

                Ludmilla: Now you see it.

She turns her hand.

                Ludmilla: Now you don’t.  Watch this.

She walks up to Mac Windu and acts sexy.

                Ludmilla: Hi there.

                Obi-Wan: Hi.

She starts to pull his light saber out.

                Ludmilla: I always like a man with a good light saber.

He grabs her hand and puts the light saber back.

                Obi-Wan: Nobody messes with my light saber.

                Ludmilla: I was just testing your legendary Jedi reflexes.

                Obi-Wan: Yes, well don’t.

                Ludmilla: Obviously, I’ve offended you, so I’ll leave now.

                Obi-Wan: Bye.

Ludmilla walks away, then suddenly she turns and draws her light saber.

                Ludmilla: I’m going to kill you!

The knight draws his light saber which has a condom on it.  There is also some glue that messes with the buttons.  His light saber doesn’t work.

                Obi-Wan: Ahhhh!

Ludmilla’s light saber smashes the table.  Obi-Wan begins back pedaling and ducking behind tables as people get out of the way and she smashes tables.

                Obi-Wan: What did you do to my light saber?

                Ludmilla: You’re not so tough now, are you.

                Obi-Wan: And what’s this sticky liquid?

A bartender is cutting lemons.

                Obi-Wan: I need a knife.

He gets a knife from the bartender and does a back flip over the bar and ducks.  He finally gets his light saber working as Ludmilla jumps up onto the bar.  He isn’t standing up yet when his light saber does a sweeping stroke along the bar.  Ludmilla jumps to avoid it.  She does a back flip off the bar.  Obi-Wan does a forward flip over the bar.  Obi-Wan attacks and now it is Ludmilla’s turn to back pedal.  He is a better sword fighter.

                Ludmilla: I wasn’t trying to kill you.  I was just joking with you.

                Obi-Wan: I don’t believe you.

Eventually, she backs up to where Maul is and he draws his light saber.

                Obi-Wan: Were you serious when you said you weren’t trying to kill me?

                Ludmilla: Yes.

                Obi-Wan: I’ll give you a chance to prove it.

He puts his light saber away.  After a pause, Ludmilla puts hers away as well.  Then Maul puts his away.